Monday, June 23, 2014

Alida Grace

So, August 2 of last year was a day that changed our lives.  That was the day that we learned that our precious baby's heart was no longer beating.  We had a follow-up ultrasound a few days later to be sure, and there was no question that our little blessing was resting in the arms of the Lord.  We were told the options available to us, and I found myself thinking that there is absolutely NO way of dealing with this that seemed like a "good" choice.  I just wanted my baby.  I wanted to kick and scream and just refuse.  I wanted to yell and say, "No, I will NOT choose any of these options!  I am going to go home and rest and wake up to find that this was a bad dream and everything is just fine!"  But it wasn't fine, and we had a decision to make.  After a lot of prayer, we scheduled a D&C.  Knowing with absolute certainty that our baby was gone, and had been for a few weeks, I just reached my emotional breaking point.  My doctor and all of the staff were wonderful and supportive.  They never rushed me or pushed me or told me what I had to do.  So, all in all, things went well- or as well as they can for losing your baby.  

We were so very blessed by family and friends.  My parents came up the day after we first found out and spent the day with us.  We had a few friends bring meals to bless our family, and so many people praying for us and loving on us.  The day after the surgery, my sister-in-law and her family came up for a few days.  It was such a blessing to have cousins for the kids to play with, family to grieve with, and someone to just help out around the house.  

My biggest struggle with having done the D&C was knowing that I never got to see my baby.  I had seen the faint, blurry, black and white image of the still, tiny body on the ultrasound, but that was all I had.  I spent a lot of time in prayer that day- not cursing God or railing against the injustice of knowing that I would not hold my baby this side of Heaven.  I was simply resting in the very arms that also held my sweet baby.  I can say with absolute assurance and absolute awe and gratitude that God loves us SO much and He is SO gentle with us and our pain.  If you have never truly given your pain and heartache to God and asked Him to carry your burdens as He carries you; if you have never felt the peace of God that comes when we trade our burdens for His mercy- I truly, truly urge you to try it.  Try God.  Put His love, His grace, His mercy and His peace to the test.  Ask Him to make himself real to you in your place of pain.  There is truly nothing in this world that can compare to being held in the arms of the one who knew you before time began.  

As I rested in God's peace, and poured out my heart to Him, I just spoke how I wished that I had been able to see my precious baby.  We believe with every fiber of our being that life begins at the moment of conception, and that every life matters.  This was not just a lump of tissue- this was our child.  I felt complete peace in knowing that we had made the right decision, and that some day, we will see our beautiful child.  Even still, my heart just struggled.  I also really wanted this child to have a name.  As I prayed about all of this, God gave me a vision of a beautiful little girl.  Even though the hurt remained, and remains still, this was a balm to my soul, soothing the very raw and ragged edges.  I began to search in earnest for a name for this precious little girl, praying that God would lead me to the perfect name.  I pulled out our well-worn baby name book.  I can't begin to count the number of times I have flipped through those pages, searching for the perfect name for each of our children.  As I began to flip the pages, I just prayed for God to guide me to the right name.  As I scanned the first few pages, a name suddenly jumped out at me.  In all of the times I have looked through that book, I don't remember ever even noticing that name before.  But suddenly it jumped off the page- Alida.  The book listed the meaning of the name as "noble, or small and winged".  This was it.  This was our baby's name- Alida Grace.  My heart aches for the day when we will meet, face to face.  When every tear will be wiped away, every heartache replaced by an indescribable joy as we, together, worship the Lord face to face.  Until that day comes, I know that the very hands that shaped the heavens and the earth are holding our sweet baby girl.

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

A day that changed our lives...

I know that it has been almost a year since my last post, and it really does warm my heart to know that even so, people still seem to be looking at my blog.  So, to those of you who do read this, thank you. :)

My lack of writing certainly is not a result of not having anything to write about.  On the contrary, I have quite a lot to write about.  It's simply that the things that I have to write are difficult, and it has taken me a long time to be able to share them.

Last year, our lives were going along pretty normally.  The kids were busy growing, playing and keeping us well entertained.  There was nothing tremendously significant to report- simply the everyday, marvelous blessings of this life.  Until one day, our lives were forever changed.

As Father's Day approached, I began to suspect that we might have another sweet blessing on the way. Finally, 2 days after Father's Day, I took a test.  As I suspected, it was positive.  I was SO excited!!!!  I told Randy right away, and we told the other kids not too long afterward.  All of us were over the moon with the expectation and excitement of preparing to welcome another precious child into our home and our lives.  

Things were actually going quite well.  I had some fatigue and a little bit of nausea, etc, but things were going better than they had with the other pregnancies.  I simply chalked this up to the fact that I was exercising more, eating healthier, and trying to take better care of myself.

At 10 weeks, I had my first prenatal appointment.  Everything seemed fine, and I was unbelievably happy and excited!  The only disappointment was that they didn't try to listen for the heartbeat.  I was told that it can sometimes be difficult to hear before 12 weeks (although I know that it is often possible), but I decided I could wait another few weeks.

Two weeks later, I woke up thinking to myself, "I am 12 weeks today!  We should be past the worst of the morning sickness, etc.  We are also at the point where the risk of losing our baby decreases."  I am not sure what made me think about that.  We had never experienced any problems with early pregnancy loss, but I knew many who had.  

That evening, I noticed some spotting.  I know that a little bit of spotting is not terribly uncommon, but it was something I had never experienced before, and I kind of freaked out a little bit.  I called a nurse, who suggested that I drink lots of water and lie down on my left side.  I did just that, and the spotting stopped.  I figured it was just a little fluke, and certainly everything was okay.  

I decided that it would be a good idea to get things checked out the next day, just to be sure.  Assuming that everything was fine, I loaded up the kids and headed in to get things checked out.  Randy called me as I arrived in the parking lot, saying he would meet us for lunch after my appointment.  

We spent quite a bit of time waiting, since the OB was just squeezing us in between appointments.  That was just fine.  The kids did great, and I was very excited to hear and possibly see our baby!  When we were called back, they tried checking for baby's heartbeat.  When they had a tough time finding it, I really didn't panic.  There has been at least some point in each pregnancy when they had trouble finding it, due to baby's position.  A quick ultrasound always revealed our baby happily playing away, comfy and cozy and thoroughly healthy.  When they suggested a quick ultrasound, I was very excited, knowing we would get a peak at baby.  Randy had already arrived and was waiting for us, so he was able to join us for the ultrasound.  

We went into the small exam room that housed the portable ultrasound machine, and got ready for our first glimpse at our little peanut.  I immediately noticed that instead of seeing our little one jumping, flipping and having a grand old time, the baby seemed to be just lying at the bottom of my womb.  Determined not to freak out, I told myself that baby was just resting.  I mean, they don't move ALL the time, right?  My determination not to freak out was shaken a little by the look of concern on the doctor's face.  I was told that we needed to go right away for a "real" ultrasound.  We gathered up the kids and followed the doctor to the ultrasound department, where they got us in right away.  Randy and I entered the dark, tiny ultrasound room together, praying that the initial ultrasound was wrong, and that things were actually completely normal.  Unfortunately, that was not to be.  After several very long minutes, the ultrasound tech looked at us, tears in her eyes, and told us the words no parent ever wants to hear.  There was no sign of movement, and no sign of a heartbeat.  Everyone left the room, giving Randy and I some time alone.  We held each other and cried- not loud, wrenching sobbing, but the quiet tears of shock.  One of my first thoughts was, "Lord, I don't know why this is happening, but I don't need an answer.  There is no answer that would make sense right now.  I do know that God is good, no matter what.  Even in the darkest, most painful places, He is with me.  And right now, that is all I need to know."  (I say this not to show how "religious" I am or to say, "Hey, look at how awesome my faith is!"  I say this simply because it was the very first thing that came into my head in that awful moment.  This was not a show of extraordinary faith.  It was simply the deep, heart-knowledge that in the midst of that place of pain, loss and confusion, what I needed more than anything in the world was God.  I NEEDED His grace, His love, His tender mercy.  I needed to hold on to the promise that no matter my circumstances, God is sovereign, He is in control, and He loves me more than I can ever imagine.  

Saturday, April 20, 2013

Timothy's First Tournament

Emma has been in dance for three years now, and really loves it.  She also does horseback riding, which she also really loves.  But we really didn't have anything lined up for Timothy.  I knew that we needed to find some kind of physical activity for him to be involved in, but for some reason, dance just didn't appeal to him. ;)  Thankfully, we have a great Tae Kwon Do program here.  Timothy had been asking since we started school last fall to sign up.  Finally, in January of this year, we got him all signed up.  He came home from his first class beaming!!!  He was so excited and I was so happy for him.  I love the fact that he has an activity that challenges him physically.  I also love how they focus on character qualities like perseverance, self-control and respect.  

So, today was his very first tournament.  I was very excited for him, but also a little nervous.  Randy is the one who has been bringing him to class, so I hadn't seen him in action yet.  Turns out, he has been working very, very hard the past couple months.  

The day started with the patterns, or forms.  Each person choses a pattern, or series of moves, appropriate for their level.  Timothy's group had six students, and he was last.  As he began, I realized that to my completely untrained eye, he appeared to do quite well.  I was right.  He placed first in his category!

The day ended with the sparring competition, where Timothy placed third out of 6 in his category!  I am so proud of him, not because of his trophies, but because of his hard work.  (Ok, the trophies are cool, too.) :)  


He also received award patches- one for Academic Achievement and one for Curtesy.  


So very proud of you, dude! :)  Way to go!

Abby is 4!

Okay, so I am almost three weeks late.  It happens.  

On Sunday, April 7, my little Beezus girl turned 4!!!  It is so hard to believe that she is already 4.  She really does make our home and our days bright and sunshiny!  I think one of my favorite things about Abby is her absolutely, unwaveringly positive view of the world.  Everything is positive in her world.  That's where I want to live. :)  I also really, really love her imagination!

She has also decided that 4 years old is a VERY grown-up age.  It is so much fun to see how independent and grown-up she really is becoming. :)  She makes me smile!

Here are a few pictures from her birthday.  We had a party for her on Saturday at Grandma and Grandpa's.  While eating her cake, she said, "This is awesome!  This is WAY better than being 3!!!"

When we came home on Sunday afternoon, we made her birthday cupcakes.  She had chosen pink and purple flower cupcake liners.  



She also decided that she wanted the cupcakes to be pink and purple swirl.  Not a problem! :)



When it came time for the frosting, she said that she wanted pink and purple swirl frosting, also.  This had been my original plan, but by this time everyone was getting tired.  So, I told her that she needed to choose one color.  Abby decided to go with purple, since that is Emma's favorite color. :)  She is such a sweetie pie!  That made this mama's day. :)  We had also found some pink flowers and some funky, colorful flowers to decorate them.  Grandma also sent us home with some butterfly decorations.  I think they turned out pretty cute!



Oh, and sprinkles.  Pink, purple, and little pearls.  I think we did pretty well!  Abby thought so, too. :)  They were also rather tasty, if I do say so myself.  (No, the cake was not made from scratch, but the frosting was.)  





Happy birthday, sweet girl!!! :)

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

It's here!!!

When Randy and I first got married, pretty much all of our furniture was hand-me-downs, and that's ok.  We were in a little apartment and really didn't need a lot.  We did have a small dining table, but most of the time we just ate in the living room- sitting on the couch and using the high coffee table.  With just the two of us (and eventually Emma in a high chair) it worked.

When we moved from the apartment to our first house (when I was pregnant with our second), we had a lot more space to fill and very little to fill it with.  We were very blessed to purchase our house from family friends who were downsizing.  They offered us their large dining room set for a very reasonable price.  It was a great deal for everyone!  We had a nice, large dining set ready and waiting for us, and they didn't have to move it. :)  This dining set worked really well in the large, open space in that house. The six chairs fit easily around the table even without the two leaves (which gave us lots of room for company!)  

Once we moved out to the farm, however, the large, oval shape did not fit as easily into the space we had.  As much as we had enjoyed this set, it just wasn't as functional in our new space.  So, we began the process of searching for a replacement.  I was really excited at the prospect of purchasing a brand new dining set!  We visited many, many furniture stores over the course of a couple years, gathering ideas and trying to decide on a style that we liked.  We saw several tables that we liked, but we were always a little disappointed in the quality of the chairs.  We wanted something that could stand up to 4 kids...something that would last.  At one point, we stopped in to an Amish furniture store near my parents'.  We were immediately drawn to the beauty and quality of the furniture.  We knew that this was something that would stand the test of time (and children!)  However, it would also be a significant investment.  We spent a lot of time weighing our options, and kept returning to the Amish furniture store.  Each time we went, we came a little closer to making some kind of decision.  First we found a style of chair that we really liked, then a general table style.  After a LOT of measuring and remeasuring, we decided that a large square would fit nicely.  Finally, on our last visit (between Thanksgiving and Christmas), we brought in a cabinet door to compare stain colors.  Again, we left without actually ordering.  I was not really upset, because I knew that at some point we were going to get something, and we had something to use in the meantime.  I was excited about the possibility of a new dining set, but I was willing to wait.  

The day before Christmas Eve, as we were getting ready to head out of town, Randy handed me an envelope that had arrived in the mail.  I saw that it was from the furniture store.  I figured that it was a summary of what we had finally decided on, along with the pricing information.  I really didn't think anything of it...until I opened the envelope.  Inside, I saw a purchase order...for a brand new dining set! Randy had called and ordered it for me as a surprise Christmas gift!  I was speechless!!!  Not only a brand new dining set, but a custom-made table and chairs that would last through generations!  Of course, the one drawback was that we had to wait for it all to be made. :)

Well, as of this morning, the wait is over!!!  Our new table and chairs were delivered this morning, and I LOVE it!!!!!!!!!  




I am so very blessed, indeed!  

Saturday, March 16, 2013

My very domestic week

So, it has been a very long time since I have really posted much of anything.  It's certainly not that I don't have anything to talk about, it's just that life gets busy and I don't make this a priority.  

Anyway, I have been very busy recently.  First, I have been doing a LOT of crocheting in my spare time (as if moms really have "spare time").  I have been making some baby gifts for some friends, along with FINALLY finishing the very large blanket that I was making for Timothy.  (He was VERY patient in waiting, considering I started it well over a year ago.)  

Secondly, I have had a very fun week of making things from scratch in the kitchen.  On Monday, we stopped to pick up our fresh, raw milk from our friends who have a dairy farm.  (Before anyone freaks out, yes it is legal to buy and sell raw milk in our state, and no, it is not unsafe or otherwise unsanitary.  In fact, it is MUCH, MUCH, MUCH healthier for you, but that is a topic for a different day.)  Anyway, on Tuesday we made a batch of homemade yogurt.  This was our third time making it, and it is not nearly as crazy, scary or "weird" as I thought. :)  It's really very, very simple (and tasty).  Then we also tried something we had never done before...we made some homemade butter!  It was really pretty fun (and again, very tasty with the raw milk).  It is great for spreading on homemade bread, which we also made twice this week, but it would take a LOT of cream to make enough butter to use for things like baking.  

The most exciting kitchen venture was definitely Thursday night.  One of the ladies in our homeschool group has been making homemade mozzarella cheese for almost a year.  So, at our Mom's night on Thursday, she taught us all how to make it!!! :)  I was SO excited!  In our house, we LOVE cheese!  A lot!!!!  And it turns out that mozzarella cheese it extremely quick and easy to make.  (It only takes about half an hour!)  Hard cheeses are definitely more involved, but maybe someday...
One thing I have to say is that it was AMAZING to all of us to see the incredible differences between using raw milk versus pasteurized milk for making the cheese!  The raw milk took less time to set, the curd formed SO much nicer and didn't stick to the kitchen towel when straining (apparently cheese cloth does NOT work so well, contrary to what one would believe).  Also, the cheese stretches and forms SO much nicer.  And...the whey was completely different!!!  The whey coming out of the pasteurized cheese looks pretty much watery, while the raw milk whey looked basically like skim milk. :)  Bonus science experiment with our lesson! :)  

So, it has been a VERY fun week in the kitchen!  Also, my beloved has requested some homemade chocolate chip cookies.  It looks like we need more butter for that, but that can definitely be arranged. :)  However, there appears to be some debate over what cookies we should make.  When I asked Abby if she wants to make chocolate chip cookies, she replied, "No.  I want strawberry cookies...with chocolate beneath the strawberries...and extra vanilla...and maple syrup...and "cupcake frosting" on them."  So...I'm not sure we really have a recipe for that...  Also, when I told her today that we need to pick up some more butter to make our cookies, she said, "I don't want butter!!!  Butter and strawberries do NOT mix!"  Silly girl. :)

Michaelisms

In my last post (which was quite a long time ago!), I shared some of my favorite things that Abby says that make us smile.  Now that Michael is saying a lot more words, I need to record some of my favorite Michaelisms. 

Shoo- (noun) This can mean one of two things: The first one is somewhat obvious- "shoe".  The second option is a little less obvious- "fish".  The good news is that it is usually pretty easy to determine whether he is referring to swimming creatures or footwear.  This also works for socks or anything else that goes on his feet. :) 

Aye- (noun) This would be Michael's word for "milk".  I am not exactly sure how that came about.  For a very brief time, he pronounced "milk" in the same way that Timothy did at that age, which is even more difficult to try to spell than it is to say- "Blggoobllgw".  While Timothy stuck with that one, (Thankfully we had taught him to sign the word milk also, or we would have been hard-pressed to figure that one out.), Michael switched it up with a much easier word, both to say and spell.

"Eeya Doh."  This would be translated as "Here you go."  It just makes me smile, the way he says it. :) When he wants me to pick him up, he will come up to me with his arms up and say "Eeya doh."  :)

Bubble- (noun)  While this can refer to the obvious- bubble, it is also his word for blueberries- definitely a favorite in our house. :)  

"Ah Ditey!"  Translation- "Alrighty!" 

Pee pee-  (noun)  This is not what you would think.  Instead of being used as a bathroom reference, this is his word for pizza.  Appetizing, don't you think? :)

Eee hee or Hee hee- (noun)  This started out as his way of saying "horsey".  However, more recently he has started saying "Yeehaw!" every time he sees a horse. :)

I am sure there are more that I will have to add, but that is all I can think of right now. :)  I love my kids and I am so thankful God blessed me with being their mama. :)