A day that changed our lives...

I know that it has been almost a year since my last post, and it really does warm my heart to know that even so, people still seem to be looking at my blog.  So, to those of you who do read this, thank you. :)

My lack of writing certainly is not a result of not having anything to write about.  On the contrary, I have quite a lot to write about.  It's simply that the things that I have to write are difficult, and it has taken me a long time to be able to share them.

Last year, our lives were going along pretty normally.  The kids were busy growing, playing and keeping us well entertained.  There was nothing tremendously significant to report- simply the everyday, marvelous blessings of this life.  Until one day, our lives were forever changed.

As Father's Day approached, I began to suspect that we might have another sweet blessing on the way. Finally, 2 days after Father's Day, I took a test.  As I suspected, it was positive.  I was SO excited!!!!  I told Randy right away, and we told the other kids not too long afterward.  All of us were over the moon with the expectation and excitement of preparing to welcome another precious child into our home and our lives.  

Things were actually going quite well.  I had some fatigue and a little bit of nausea, etc, but things were going better than they had with the other pregnancies.  I simply chalked this up to the fact that I was exercising more, eating healthier, and trying to take better care of myself.

At 10 weeks, I had my first prenatal appointment.  Everything seemed fine, and I was unbelievably happy and excited!  The only disappointment was that they didn't try to listen for the heartbeat.  I was told that it can sometimes be difficult to hear before 12 weeks (although I know that it is often possible), but I decided I could wait another few weeks.

Two weeks later, I woke up thinking to myself, "I am 12 weeks today!  We should be past the worst of the morning sickness, etc.  We are also at the point where the risk of losing our baby decreases."  I am not sure what made me think about that.  We had never experienced any problems with early pregnancy loss, but I knew many who had.  

That evening, I noticed some spotting.  I know that a little bit of spotting is not terribly uncommon, but it was something I had never experienced before, and I kind of freaked out a little bit.  I called a nurse, who suggested that I drink lots of water and lie down on my left side.  I did just that, and the spotting stopped.  I figured it was just a little fluke, and certainly everything was okay.  

I decided that it would be a good idea to get things checked out the next day, just to be sure.  Assuming that everything was fine, I loaded up the kids and headed in to get things checked out.  Randy called me as I arrived in the parking lot, saying he would meet us for lunch after my appointment.  

We spent quite a bit of time waiting, since the OB was just squeezing us in between appointments.  That was just fine.  The kids did great, and I was very excited to hear and possibly see our baby!  When we were called back, they tried checking for baby's heartbeat.  When they had a tough time finding it, I really didn't panic.  There has been at least some point in each pregnancy when they had trouble finding it, due to baby's position.  A quick ultrasound always revealed our baby happily playing away, comfy and cozy and thoroughly healthy.  When they suggested a quick ultrasound, I was very excited, knowing we would get a peak at baby.  Randy had already arrived and was waiting for us, so he was able to join us for the ultrasound.  

We went into the small exam room that housed the portable ultrasound machine, and got ready for our first glimpse at our little peanut.  I immediately noticed that instead of seeing our little one jumping, flipping and having a grand old time, the baby seemed to be just lying at the bottom of my womb.  Determined not to freak out, I told myself that baby was just resting.  I mean, they don't move ALL the time, right?  My determination not to freak out was shaken a little by the look of concern on the doctor's face.  I was told that we needed to go right away for a "real" ultrasound.  We gathered up the kids and followed the doctor to the ultrasound department, where they got us in right away.  Randy and I entered the dark, tiny ultrasound room together, praying that the initial ultrasound was wrong, and that things were actually completely normal.  Unfortunately, that was not to be.  After several very long minutes, the ultrasound tech looked at us, tears in her eyes, and told us the words no parent ever wants to hear.  There was no sign of movement, and no sign of a heartbeat.  Everyone left the room, giving Randy and I some time alone.  We held each other and cried- not loud, wrenching sobbing, but the quiet tears of shock.  One of my first thoughts was, "Lord, I don't know why this is happening, but I don't need an answer.  There is no answer that would make sense right now.  I do know that God is good, no matter what.  Even in the darkest, most painful places, He is with me.  And right now, that is all I need to know."  (I say this not to show how "religious" I am or to say, "Hey, look at how awesome my faith is!"  I say this simply because it was the very first thing that came into my head in that awful moment.  This was not a show of extraordinary faith.  It was simply the deep, heart-knowledge that in the midst of that place of pain, loss and confusion, what I needed more than anything in the world was God.  I NEEDED His grace, His love, His tender mercy.  I needed to hold on to the promise that no matter my circumstances, God is sovereign, He is in control, and He loves me more than I can ever imagine.